New Focus...

Lots has gone on. Change in relationship status --- single. Change in job - Assistant Principal. Change in living - no roomie!

So - I figured lets keep going. Let's keep changing and challenging myself. My new focus is eating healthy and training for a 1/2 marathon. I never thought I would be a "runner" but I actually enjoy running and I really want to do something that I never thought I could do.

My goal is also to lose weight, but I find that just focusing on weight loss goals - doesn't quite work for me. Keeping my mind & eyes on something else...other than just the scale...is much better for me.

So the big day - February 13 in Myrtle Beach is coming..and coming quickly!

Tomorrow I officially start my training with daily running...miles and 2 a day workouts. In the process - of course I will be eating healthy, so we shall see what happens.

I'm excited because this is major and to be able to say I ran a 1/2 marathon is a major deal. Right now - I need to keep doing and accomplishing major challenges while I'm on the "move". I'm almost finished with graduate school (Nov. 23) so this is the next big task on the list. I really would like to go into 2010 a lot smaller & healthier. As my 26th birthday approaches - I see myself wanting to enjoy the last 4 years of my 20s as a healthy & happy Ebony!

I'm ready...it's time. I just have to stay focused...and share my progress.

Here is to a new journey!

Back...Part 1

Gone...but back!

So...it's almost been a month since the last post. And a lot has changed...massive bits and pieces of my life. Mostly for the good...which is going to hopefully lead to the great.

Recap...end of March through April!

Struggling to put it in order, but I just know what has occurred over the last month. You'll be able to see my mental growth and struggles...along with amazing "ah ha" moments.

Let's start with living....

I love my house...really I do! It's hard to imagine life without independence and without MY house. I've come to love it and adore it...I think since my roomie moved out - I've had to get closer to my house - no I'm not meditating or talking to the rooms, but it's just me and the house. ..that's it! So as a result..you get really close to yourself and the walls within. I PAINTED (well someone else painted - I rolled one small wall - it counts though) - one of the parents from a past student offered to help me paint the kitchen, which led to her painting the kitchen. It looks fabulous - it's a apple green with a lot of yellow undertone...quite bright, but it makes me smile when I see it. I found a few simple decorations - and not it feels like a "kitchen" it is amazing how paint can change the feel of a room. Now...onto the upstairs! I'm going to paint my room blue..cann't wait..and the other rooms are still in question.

What else...well - I stated that I broke up with my boyfriend. Well .... he's back in the picture! Hopefully permantely...as I stated the happy box..wasn't filled, but through some time to myself, reflection, and self talk....I had to mentally work things out. I'm just learning a lot of about me in 2009 and what I need. I have to admit..he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me..and he treats me better than anyone else has...not to compare, but when I really think about it he has been pretty much 81% of what I asked for...I know perfection is unrealistic and everyone always has room to grown. Those areas where I want to grow...and he needs to grow - hopefully we can strengthen together. We're taking it one day at a time...and eventually we will figure it out. I've given others...TOO many chances and they actually treated me wrong, so...I figured he's never done me wrong --- he's just figuring out who he is....so - I might need to hang onto this one. One important thing is to recognize in mate....is the person going through personal turmoil or is the person just bringing in turmoil - there is a difference...not everyone understands what it means to be in a relatoinship and what is necessary....I'm thankful that I found someone that appreciates all the aspects of a relationship through the good and bad! I'm a lucky ducky....just took some personal reflection and acceptance. I had to accept some things that are out of my control and that I need to leave...in the past!

New job! Enough said...I can't wait only 2 months more.

LAX...what in the world. I went to LA....remind me to ONLY visit. If I consider moving....just know that I'm either being forced by the court system or I've won the lottery. I enjoyed my time with my best buddy Jasmine - watching her waddle around was quite interesting. The process of growing and maturing...starting families - has been quite overwhelming. It's just...hit me in the face - and I'm just trying to gain composure. Starting a family is major...and a lot of my friends are taking major steps...down the aisle or town mommy lane --- eventually I"ll be ready but for now I'm enjoying the role of the observer!

More to talk about but...for now that's it. I need time to think about how to address part 2!

Changes....lots!

So...March has really has be an interesting month. It's like it game inn like a little peaceful sunny...then turned into a wintry mix (literally) and then...as it comes to an end it's like a hurricane + tornado in the middle of early spring. This March has given new meaning to MARCH MADNESS....

As I sit here...I can't even wrap my mind around everything that has occurred during this month. So I have to do a mental recap - which is hard - so I'll just focus on the major pieces that are really impacting my life at this point.

1) Weight --- always an issue - it is starting to move a little bit more due to my mind change -- I'm slowly getting there and overcoming my issues with food. (Good month for weight loss)

2) The Economy - Yes -- this is a major topic - but once it starts to impact you directly - you start to look at the AM news a little bit more closely and you start to pay attention to the numbers attached to unemployment.

3) My roomie...is...leaving me! REALLY! I'm still processing it. Now...of course I love her dearly and didn't have a cat fight or anything so don't get excited about seeing posted on YouTube. At first...when she told me - I really didn't think on it. Actually I couldn't....between all the stuff at work..grad school..working out...and living - I just really didn't think about it. However...as time went by...and items started to slowly move out of the house it hit me. Today...I just walked by her room and just stared at it. Since I've lived their...other than my closinng date - that room as never been empty. Mentally....I'm adapting to knowing that it will just be me..but I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to grow---instead of focusing on the loss. We've been super busy lately..so we really haven't had much time to just sit and chill....as we had in the past. Roomie on the big couch and me crouched up comfortably on the love seat. Miss those days...and now all that is really coming to an end.

4) Boyfriend (ex-boyfriend)....We broke up. It was my choice...it was a difficult choice - but as everything around me changes. I feel the need to be more honest with myself and in the process I'm learninng and growing. As a observe the world around --- I recognize the importance of happiness and I recognized that I was not happy. There are a lot of things that are a part of the "happy box" and sometimes we think that we have a lot of control over the happy box...we can channge the happy box...and the happy box will magically adjust to us. I've learned...that the happy box ...is different for each of us - what we need in our box is soley based on our own needs and desires. So...for me - I realized that my boyfriend is a wonderful person...but my happy box was lacking some major components. Hope this makes sense...

5) New job...yay....best news for March - but once again a bitter sweet experience. I'm going to be transitionining into a position that I definitely didn't see myself in at 25 years old...but I'm thankful and grateful for the opportunity. I'll be Assistant Principal at a private school...wow - amazing. I can't believe that will be my title...but I'm excited, but I know it is going to be a learninng curve. I'm sad that I'll be leaving the BEST team I could have asked for...I love my teammates - they keep me going. And this year - the person I switch classes with has changed my life....in a wonderful way. We just click and he is an amazing person..and teacher (Love Mr. T). I'll miss having a class, but I know that I am ending on a good note - I've had the best class EVER .... love them!

.......So as you can see - March is not over yet and so many things have changed. I do think that in the end...even though it is blury....things will be okay. I'm started to realize that questioning and asking WHY - doesn't make things easier to deal with. I'm trying to live by the mottos - "if it is meant to be...it will be" and "everything happens for a reason" - I hope these to statements will carry me through!

Loving this weather! It makes me happy...something about this weather makes me want to really get "slim"...I think it is because you start to peel off clothes....through Dec..Jan..and Feb - you can hide behind the layers, peacoats, sweaters, pants with tights, and all the other accessories meant for warmth! I do not enjoy cold...and you would think I'd have enough protection (skin) to keep me warm during the cold months, but that just never really seems to work.

As the weather...breaks...but not for long as I watch the forecast - I start to think about bathing suits. I really want a cute suit for the summer. Depending on how much weigh I lose...we will see what I can get my behind in. At least...I can push for next summer having a the look I want....if I don't have it by the end of the summer of 09. I can push for the year of the "perfect 10"

This weekend...I weighed in...no loss, but that's okay! No gain...is important. My goal is NO GAINING during this process. So...staying the same is okay. After losing 7 lbs in one week I figured...I may not lose and I didn't have the greatest week.

Now...maybe as a result of the weather --- I'm FOCUSED. I'm really trying to maintain control...and not let it control me. I feel good about what I'm doing and the decision making process .... it takes time and strength to say...NO. So my new mental thought is.... I can have this one day...or what would a skinny person do (that one doesn't always work though).

So...here goes a week of focus and shall see what the scale shows. My goal is to lose 30 lbs by the time we get out of the summer. My workout buddies seem to think this goal if lofty...something about it makes me want to really...push for that - and I really think I can do it, if I stay realllyy super duper...focused! I threatened (jokingly) to jump off a bridge if I didn't (or a few stairs)...and of course they told me that ..... they would see me later...due to the type of goal I've set.

Right now...I'm focused on 1o lbs before Spring Break! Yes---intense I know. BUT if I only lose 5 or 8 I'll still be happy....I'm just reaching for the stars. Today was a good eating day....a little off the plan, but still a good day. Tomorrow...my goal is to stick to the plan Tuesday---Friday, stick to the plan...no gettinng off the course.

We shall see...I'd love to see 3 lbs loss on Saturday AM as I weigh in before Women's Empowerment....brace yourself!

Yes...it has been wayyy too long. I started out - excited about the thought of a blog and then....I wrote a few...and yes - I disappeared. It's all good though - I'm back. Sadly, I learned a lot since I've been gone. In regards to this blog - I've learned that I like to start stuff and I don't always follow through...and finish.

As I start 2009 - I realize that I have a lot going on. I mean....everyday I wonder how I do it and again - I try to focus on the PROGRESS, not the process. The process can be difficult to think on. Over the last month, I've really had some ups and downs personally. Wondering if I'm going to be able to accomplish all these things I want in life....I just want happiness, ultimately. And happiness looks different to everyone....

As a way to help me obtain happiness and push through the stress & pain of this "angel" I decided to use this blog as a way to help me push through and stay consistent...share my goals....my thoughts and EXPOSE the issues bothering me and in my life. Now - I'll hold off on sharing the names of the innocent, if possible. But as far as me....I need to be exposed for me...to help me...to keep me going. For me accountability is an important aspect of life and it is what pushes me. Right now - my biggest struggle is my weight loss. I sit and wonder - if I would have really focused....1 year...2 years..3 years ago - where I could be non. But...I can't do that - I have to focus on this moment, where I am right now....why I am here and why I haven't lost the weight. Why....well that is the million dollar question, but focus is a major aspect of it all. The mind is such a powerful tool - it can tell you to do things, react, act, think, try, move, stop, change...and the list goes on. When you lose control of your mental ability to make decisions that are appropriate.....things will occur that you have to look back and wonder - how the hell did this happen to ME. I have a list of these experiences and I've learned from many of them....now as I watch the Biggest Loser - I get excited/pissed/excited/frustrated/excited/mad...and for the 2 hrs..I go through that process.

I sat..and said - I'm going to change my life, process, and happiness. As if it is a timeline of events. I'm going to share it with anyone....who wants to know and read. Many won't have the same issues....but inn some way people can relate. I look at my weight problem and attacking the situation - similar to an addict. An addict and I do not have the same addiction, but we can still learn from each other!

So...here it is exposure. Big time exposure - so hold your breathe it is going to be a ride. As I write - I'm contemplating how far to go....with this. And I have to realize that I have to go as far as I have to go..to get where I want to get. Right now - I have to have as Sugar Ray said 'tunnel vision - as if this is the only thing that matters"

Just to prep you for this....I'm going to make some moves and changes over the next year. I'm going to focus on one..until I get through it.and move to the next. As a TO DO list...checking off the items will help me make progress and learn how to make it through the process. Along the way - I hope to hear whatever others have to share. Life is too short....but I'm just at the beginning - I want to live my best life. I hear people changing, the world around me is changing and it is time for me to make a change. I'm making little changes...in many facets of my life, but now it is time to attack them....head on one at a time.

The TO DO List:
- Weight (75-80 lbs.)
- Finance (Credit Card debt, College Loans, Savings)
- Job Changes & Adjustments
- Volunteering & Communinty Service
- PhD (not sure if this one will stay)
- Family...Love & beyond

Now - don't get excited. I honestly don't know how this list unfold, but right now the first two are the most important items to mark off. I do know that....I must mark them off using a pencil and dashed lines because they will remain a part of my life. I will always have to maintain my weight and money make the world go around.

Item 1: Weight

If you know me....you've probably heard me talk about weigh one time or another. If you are fortuate enough to be around me often - you've probably seen me leaving or heading to the gym or making some comment regarding my weight. Who knows?

Losing weigh = hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Everything else has come "easy" in a way - yes, things have been difficult, frustrating, and time consuming, but I made it through and came on top. I've made goals...accomplished them and moved on to the next, but WEIGH lost -remains on that "long term to do list" I just can't seem to rip it off the page.

This year 2009 - I KNOW is going to be one of the best years of my life. Mentally....I'm in the right place. I have a lot of wonderful people around me and I just have the mindset - that I can and will do great things. It has taken me awhile to get there, but I'm starting to believe in me and all I can do.

2009 if full of changes for others and changes for me. My best friend is having a baby - Olivia Joy - who is miles....miles...away. Lives are changing. I have 4 friends getting married...their lives are changing. My roomie will graduate....yay....her life will definitely change. So - I'm seeing people who will go through major adjustments and changes and I know...the change bug will jump on me too.

Through some of those changes - I want to change to prepare. What do I mean? Well - I have to travel to California to see my pregnant friend - I'd like to lose some weight before I see her and to enjoy myself in Cali for the first time. Weddings - that's the center of a lot of it. My friend aka "pookie" is getting married....and she is going to be a dazzling bride...surrounded by a enchanting wedding that I'm looking forward to. I've been asked to participate in this wonderful day and sitting here right now -I feel embarrased to know that I COULD be the same way I look right now and participate. I just don't want to have the "look" or happen to be caught in a picture. Then my cousin is getting married and I'll be a bridesmaid....

As you can see - my appearance is important to me...now more than ever. Now - I'm not doing this for vanity...but for a life that I don't have to be stressed about events coming up and what I'm going to look like. It's bigger than all the events....it's about happiness and life....the feeling of not worrying about going to the beach with the girls due to fear of being mistaken for a whale on the beach :)

So...enough blah....I just needed to set the tone for myself and push out some thoughts that have been in my head.

Back to the list - WEIGHT....

I will share my struggles....success...and highs..along with lows. I can't go on this journey alone- so blogging might be the a great friend right now. I don't know what this is going to look like...or much I'm going to share...or how often, but I do commit to once a week. I will share my loss...or gain!

Right now, but goal is to NOT gain. I've joined Weight Watchers, have a wonderful trainer, have a few workout buddies, and a pantry with healthy food (on my shelf). I have to the TOOLS - now I just have to use them.

Tomorrow...March 4 - I will be focused and stick to the plan (I've planned out my workouts & meal for Wednesday). Now...excution is key.

So....in order to get up at 5:30AM for my AM workout - I do need to get some rest.


AHHH...release. It feels great to get out some of these thoughts and know I have a vehicle to push more thoughts out...without really knowing who is reading. Now...bare with me - it may be awhile before this blog moves on to the money. I definitely have a lot of great stories to share for that one - my boyfriend and I are taking a finance class...so we are definitely learning how to build wealth for the future.

Stay tuned....weigh in on Sat. Good...news? We shall see....

It is MLK Day and tomorrow is the Inaguration and my interview!!!- what a week! We are two weeks into 2009 and I'm still trying to get settled. For the first time...I really have good feeling about this year, but I have to take it all in and get it going. Last year...my 25th year of life was filled with surprises, drama, and life lessons. I think I learned A LOT about myself during 2008, so I guess you could still call it a great year in the end...yet through it I wasn't feeling great.

Now - I am truly going to embrace happiness and peace. I'm realizing how important it is to have both...and the impact happiness and peace can have on your life and spirit. Right now - I'm in a semi-happy place. Things are falling into place and I'm patiently waiting for all my puzzle pieces to assemble nicely.

The Puzzle Pieces:

1) Weight Loss - I'm working very hard daily and learning more about myself and why I am overweight. It is something you have to think about and accept - the reasons we are the way we are...then you can move on and change it! This try at weight loss as been a wonderful experience...I'm loving working out and focusing on eating healthy. I have two workout buddies...which helps everything and I have a great support group. I joined a RDU Biggest Loser team...and that has been phenomenal..especially wearing a bracelet daily that states "Too Sexy for this Fat"...through it all the last 2 weeks have been hard, I thought I was going to be able to just start the new year off right, but I realized the impact that peace and happiness plays in such a journey. So...I'm bringing it all together...peace, happiness, focus, and weight loss....this puzzle piece will take time to fit snug in my puzzle. Hopefully in June I'll be sharing that I am the biggest loser! :)

2) Finances - Another puzzle piece that will take time to fit in the puzzle, but I'm hoping that I can at least get it shaped correctly. My boyfriend and I signed up for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University...and really the name is what it is. After the first class....on SAVING...I definitely felt that financial peace is around the corner. Yes...I did feel that it is going to be challenging to do all the things that were discussed, but the baby steps revealed are a path of peace, saving, and giving. I definitely want to....walk on that path. The wonderful thing is that I am young...we were the youngest in the class. I suggest this class to EVERYONE whether you have a lot of money....or you are struggling like me - it will and can change your life and status.

3) Job Search - I wonder how it feels to wake up and say "I love my job" or "I can't wait to get to work"....not sure I've ever felt that, if you have please share the emotions and thoughts attached. I am in the process of job searching. Yes - I always wanted to be a teacher, but not the teacher that the system of education is making me. I feel like I am a bird in a box ready to be released...so she can soar. I want to soar and there's not much room for soaring. I am ready for a new opportunity....I have an interview tomorrow and I'm praying that it all works out. I feel that the opportunity was put in my path for a reason and I didn't want to let this opportunity pass me by...

These are my 2009 puzzle pieces...I'm hoping that slowly they begin to fit together nicely as new pieces are constructed and added.....it does not yet appear...what I shall be!

What am I thinking?

So....I'm bored, stressed, frustrated - but still hopeful. I guess that's a good thing. I have a lot on my mind...and I don't feel like writing everything in my ole handy dandy - journal! I'm making to do lists, updating my calendar, reading other bloggers...and I think it hit me - right now is the best time to start blogging. I have a lot going on in my life, a lot to think about and share...even if no one reads it for me right now - I need to be a blogger. One of my friends just shared her farewell to Facebook and even though I'm not ready to depart from Facebook - her reasons are valid. I told her...blogging is for grown ups that's the next step after AIM and Facebook, we've passed both stages and now it is time for me to join the other bloggers in the world and share...my story. I've seen a lot of great ones .... but never saw myself as a blogger until this very moment...as my fingers move and thoughts begin to flow. Here's the beginning...brace yourself...this is going to be a "read" to remember.