Yes...it has been wayyy too long. I started out - excited about the thought of a blog and then....I wrote a few...and yes - I disappeared. It's all good though - I'm back. Sadly, I learned a lot since I've been gone. In regards to this blog - I've learned that I like to start stuff and I don't always follow through...and finish.

As I start 2009 - I realize that I have a lot going on. I mean....everyday I wonder how I do it and again - I try to focus on the PROGRESS, not the process. The process can be difficult to think on. Over the last month, I've really had some ups and downs personally. Wondering if I'm going to be able to accomplish all these things I want in life....I just want happiness, ultimately. And happiness looks different to everyone....

As a way to help me obtain happiness and push through the stress & pain of this "angel" I decided to use this blog as a way to help me push through and stay consistent...share my goals....my thoughts and EXPOSE the issues bothering me and in my life. Now - I'll hold off on sharing the names of the innocent, if possible. But as far as me....I need to be exposed for me...to help me...to keep me going. For me accountability is an important aspect of life and it is what pushes me. Right now - my biggest struggle is my weight loss. I sit and wonder - if I would have really focused....1 year...2 years..3 years ago - where I could be non. But...I can't do that - I have to focus on this moment, where I am right now....why I am here and why I haven't lost the weight. Why....well that is the million dollar question, but focus is a major aspect of it all. The mind is such a powerful tool - it can tell you to do things, react, act, think, try, move, stop, change...and the list goes on. When you lose control of your mental ability to make decisions that are appropriate.....things will occur that you have to look back and wonder - how the hell did this happen to ME. I have a list of these experiences and I've learned from many of them....now as I watch the Biggest Loser - I get excited/pissed/excited/frustrated/excited/mad...and for the 2 hrs..I go through that process.

I sat..and said - I'm going to change my life, process, and happiness. As if it is a timeline of events. I'm going to share it with anyone....who wants to know and read. Many won't have the same issues....but inn some way people can relate. I look at my weight problem and attacking the situation - similar to an addict. An addict and I do not have the same addiction, but we can still learn from each other!

So...here it is exposure. Big time exposure - so hold your breathe it is going to be a ride. As I write - I'm contemplating how far to go....with this. And I have to realize that I have to go as far as I have to go..to get where I want to get. Right now - I have to have as Sugar Ray said 'tunnel vision - as if this is the only thing that matters"

Just to prep you for this....I'm going to make some moves and changes over the next year. I'm going to focus on one..until I get through it.and move to the next. As a TO DO list...checking off the items will help me make progress and learn how to make it through the process. Along the way - I hope to hear whatever others have to share. Life is too short....but I'm just at the beginning - I want to live my best life. I hear people changing, the world around me is changing and it is time for me to make a change. I'm making little changes...in many facets of my life, but now it is time to attack them....head on one at a time.

The TO DO List:
- Weight (75-80 lbs.)
- Finance (Credit Card debt, College Loans, Savings)
- Job Changes & Adjustments
- Volunteering & Communinty Service
- PhD (not sure if this one will stay)
- Family...Love & beyond

Now - don't get excited. I honestly don't know how this list unfold, but right now the first two are the most important items to mark off. I do know that....I must mark them off using a pencil and dashed lines because they will remain a part of my life. I will always have to maintain my weight and money make the world go around.

Item 1: Weight

If you know me....you've probably heard me talk about weigh one time or another. If you are fortuate enough to be around me often - you've probably seen me leaving or heading to the gym or making some comment regarding my weight. Who knows?

Losing weigh = hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Everything else has come "easy" in a way - yes, things have been difficult, frustrating, and time consuming, but I made it through and came on top. I've made goals...accomplished them and moved on to the next, but WEIGH lost -remains on that "long term to do list" I just can't seem to rip it off the page.

This year 2009 - I KNOW is going to be one of the best years of my life. Mentally....I'm in the right place. I have a lot of wonderful people around me and I just have the mindset - that I can and will do great things. It has taken me awhile to get there, but I'm starting to believe in me and all I can do.

2009 if full of changes for others and changes for me. My best friend is having a baby - Olivia Joy - who is miles....miles...away. Lives are changing. I have 4 friends getting married...their lives are changing. My roomie will graduate....yay....her life will definitely change. So - I'm seeing people who will go through major adjustments and changes and I know...the change bug will jump on me too.

Through some of those changes - I want to change to prepare. What do I mean? Well - I have to travel to California to see my pregnant friend - I'd like to lose some weight before I see her and to enjoy myself in Cali for the first time. Weddings - that's the center of a lot of it. My friend aka "pookie" is getting married....and she is going to be a dazzling bride...surrounded by a enchanting wedding that I'm looking forward to. I've been asked to participate in this wonderful day and sitting here right now -I feel embarrased to know that I COULD be the same way I look right now and participate. I just don't want to have the "look" or happen to be caught in a picture. Then my cousin is getting married and I'll be a bridesmaid....

As you can see - my appearance is important to me...now more than ever. Now - I'm not doing this for vanity...but for a life that I don't have to be stressed about events coming up and what I'm going to look like. It's bigger than all the events....it's about happiness and life....the feeling of not worrying about going to the beach with the girls due to fear of being mistaken for a whale on the beach :)

So...enough blah....I just needed to set the tone for myself and push out some thoughts that have been in my head.

Back to the list - WEIGHT....

I will share my struggles....success...and highs..along with lows. I can't go on this journey alone- so blogging might be the a great friend right now. I don't know what this is going to look like...or much I'm going to share...or how often, but I do commit to once a week. I will share my loss...or gain!

Right now, but goal is to NOT gain. I've joined Weight Watchers, have a wonderful trainer, have a few workout buddies, and a pantry with healthy food (on my shelf). I have to the TOOLS - now I just have to use them.

Tomorrow...March 4 - I will be focused and stick to the plan (I've planned out my workouts & meal for Wednesday). Now...excution is key.

So....in order to get up at 5:30AM for my AM workout - I do need to get some rest.


AHHH...release. It feels great to get out some of these thoughts and know I have a vehicle to push more thoughts out...without really knowing who is reading. Now...bare with me - it may be awhile before this blog moves on to the money. I definitely have a lot of great stories to share for that one - my boyfriend and I are taking a finance class...so we are definitely learning how to build wealth for the future.

Stay tuned....weigh in on Sat. Good...news? We shall see....